The Healthy Chef Vol 2. Issue 4 - Chef Keri Frazier

I'm the co-owner and co-chef of Urban Phoenix Catering.  I previously owned Left Coast Burrito Co. and had been catering for the past 7 years. In November of 2019, my partner and I were ready to get to the next level, so we opened a brick and mortar in Phoenix.  For 4 months I poured my life savings, time, and all of my energy into our little café. It was working too, we had raving reviews, had been named one of Phoenix's top ten restaurants in a Food Network article, and our sales were steadily increasing.  Then the pandemic hit. That first week our sales dropped 90%.  We held on to our optimism thinking we would be out of this in no time.  We pivoted, adapted, hustled up new revenue streams with family meals, grocery orders, delivery. We made it to May and closed our doors forever.  (Business Closures Due to the Coronavirus)

I have a long history with depression, trauma, and misuse of substances to self medicate anxiety.  Like most of us in the industry, the kitchen was my escape.  The long hours and lack of self care is a way to avoid facing our issues head on and taking action.  It's hard to be still - sometimes quiet is deafening, so we crave the stress, noise, and chaos of the kitchen to drown out our chaos within.  When I opened Urban Phoenix I was actually in a very good place.  I had spent time in therapy, I did affirmations, I prayed and meditated, I lifted weights 4 times a week, I drank maybe once a month and never used any kind of drugs or medication.  I was truly ready to take this on.  The Pandemic had other plans for me.  

When Covid-19 hit I started drinking (Medical News Today - Excessive Drinking During the Pandemic). Margaritas at noon - because there were no customers, and nothing to do.  Shots with friends on Zoom calls.  https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/doctors-warn-against-excessive-drinking-during-the-pandemicWine when I got home from my empty restaurant - because this was temporary right?  We would be out of this in no time, back to the grind, with full dining rooms and full bank accounts.  I was depressed, I was anxious, I was broke and broken.  I had gained 20 pounds.  All of my therapy, coping skills, sanity safety nets were thrown out the window - because NO ONE alive today has ever been through this.  I had no mentors to call, I had no wise friends who knew what to do.  We were all in uncharted territory, together, but alone.  Once our doors closed I was forced to face myself.  

I am a mother to two amazing sons, who have been fiercely protected from my issues.  Some of us are REALLY good at hiding our pain and making everyone around us think we have our shit together.  I am one of those people.  Part of what makes me a great leader is my ability to compartmentalize and focus on people around me instead of myself.  This is never sustainable, and all the pain, disappointment, grief and fear eventually boils over.  When we closed I was forced to face all of this.  I made a decision one day about a month after closing to grieve.  I cried (I don't do this enough), I let myself feel all the pain, I sat with it, observed it and honored it.  I named it.  Grief.  

We are now almost 10 months into this pandemic.  I still struggle with the grief.  I have to remind myself every day that I am not a total failure. I didn't cause this pandemic, but that doesn't stop those nagging voices of self doubt from whispering to me that I'm just not good enough and that's why we closed.  I miss my food, customers, and team. And I also have a tool box with power, knowledge, and skills to cope. I have a daily routine to keep me sane and optimistic.  

I cannot stress enough how important it is to invest in self-care (CDC Guidelines for Managing Stress and Anxiety During Coronavirus).  Not the kind of self-care that is marketed to us in the form of spending huge amounts of money on things we don't need that give us the temporary high.  But investing in therapy, nutritional and fitness coaches, acupuncture, gym memberships, healthy food, etc.  Investing time to getting better.  Had I not done a lot of these things prior to the pandemic, I don't know if I would have lived through it at all.   I may have slipped at first, but my investment paid off and I was able to pull myself out, dust myself off, and love myself through the worst time our industry has ever faced.

Today I am okay.  Some days are better than others, but I have managed to stay sober, sane, and optimistic because I prioritize my health.  My survival depends on these things: healthy food, working out, allowing myself to feel things, my gratitude practice, prayer, affirmations, and lots and lots of forgiving myself.  I don't know what my future holds, whether or not I will ever have another restaurant, whether or not I even want one.  What I do know is that I am worth the investment in my own survival.  We are all worth it.

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